Hogwarts: A Saga
by sporkster62442
Summary: LILY/JAMES. Mocking HP fanfiction via character arousal.
1. Developing Complex Characters

**A/N: **

**This has now been edited to censor some of the lunacy and/or vulgarity. **

**Sorry for any (unintended) offense. Note that this story is ridiculous and can be ridiculed. Laugh along and leave a review at the end, please!**

**Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns it all. **

* * *

Lily woke up today. Her head was sore. So she dyed her hair black. She reasons intelligently: _It may make my head less sore._ Isn't my character well developed readers? Hehehehe.

But, every well developed character has ulterior motives. Therefore, Lily also dyes her hair because:

(1) The colour black represents every theme, moral and person in her life.

(2) Lucius said it suited her complexion and made her look like a bat, which reminded him of Severus and made him aroused.

* * *

Lily puts on her eye make-up. It brings out the emerald and rainbow specks in her eyes.

Her eyelids get weighed down with the mascara, so she can't see.

But. You know. Whatever.

* * *

"The pigeons! The pigeons!" shrieks Petty, wearing nothing but Vernon, a shower cap and an apron.

"Oh!" Lily exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise. "Potter has sent me mail via pigeon."

Of course.

Now, Lily cannot see.

Never fear: her muggle household accommodates many houselves.

Wanky, bless him, clears his tiny voice and reads:

_Mine flower to be deflowered,_

_I have bugged your room! But I'm a wizard! And Muggle things give me a headache!_

_I'm going to call you a Mudblood now so you get really angry and get me aroused. Yabba-dabba-doo!_

_Anyway, through my high-tech cameras I can see your bat-esque face. Why did you dye your hair black today? That was my plan! It was going to be the most original prank ever. _

_If Remus eats me, always remember this love:_

_1. You are the key to my genitals. _

_2. You are the mother of my fruit_

_3. You are the polish to my wand. _

_Ride my broom, snitch sack of mine!_

_Lots and lots of love, _

_Potter. James Potter. _

_Xoxoxox oxo ooo. X. ox. Xx x. Oxoxo o. Oooo oo ooo. Xxxx xxxxx xxxxx. Xox. _

Lily exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise, "Wow. I must admit that 'Potter. James Potter.' has a way with words. He has taken my breath away. Like a dementor!"

Wasn't that a great simile, readers? Hehehehe.

* * *

Our heroine attempts to apparate onto the Platform.

She misses and lands on Sirius's head.

"Oh no!" Sirius exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise. "My head hurts now!"

"You have no right to have a sore head! Mine hurts so much that I had to dye it _black_!"

At the mention of his last name in a different context, Sirius turns serious.

Wasn't that a great pun, readers? Hehehehe.

Then: a glint of light bounces off Xenophilius Lovegood's slippers.

"Shiny thing!" Sirius exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise.

He dives towards the ground.

Remus tries to restrain him.

They get aroused.

James arrives just in time for the show. He gets aroused too!

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**Reviews, anyone? Thanks!**


	2. Adverbs are Fun

Lily apparated onto the train. Even though it was right next to her. She accidentally landed on Fyunhubb's head. Fyunhubb is her best friend. Doesn't she have such an exotic name, readers? Hehehehe.

"Oh no!" Fyunhubb exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise. "My head hurts now!"

"You have no right to have a sore head! My hair is _black_." Lily shouted meaningfully, loudly, softly, strangely and coyly at the same time.

"Oh Lily, my lesbian lover! I'm so sorry! Have you seen Sirius?"

"Yeah. Um, last I saw him…he was, er, under Remus…"

Silence.

"That's hot!" says Fyunhubb/Paris Hilton. Who was born 40 years after this time.

* * *

They arrive at school.

"I love school!"

BUT: not without all the creatures from "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" attacking them on the Hogwarts Express: Dementors. Pygmy Puffs. Lockharts. Pixies.

* * *

A pixie sat on Remus's head.

"Oh no!" the Werewolf exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise. "My head hurts now!"

Lily's blood boils. "You have no right to have a sore head! Look at my bat hair!"

Her hair really is batty. Isn't that a great pun readers? Hehehehe.

Inconspicuously, Remus becomes hairier. "I'm so sorry Lily. Actually. I'm not. My inner werewolf thirsts for your blood."

SCREAM.

* * *

Now the whole gang is entering the Great Hall. "I always forget how big it is," says Fyunhuhb.

"You saucy siren, Fyunhubb!" Sirius exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise.

Dumbledore enters the Great Hall.

Cue: "Super Freak".

"His robes are quite flamboyant today!" James exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise.

Dumbledore was wearing a beautiful pygmy silk robe that reached his thighs. Remus and Sirius got aroused.

Sirius sighs. "I really should be locking Lily and James in a broom cupboard now."

Lily nods towards Sirius understandingly, sympathetically and vibrantly all at once.

"We'll bring our wands, but don't worry: we won't be able to get out!"

Dumbledore's pygmy silk twinkled like his eyes.

Wasn't that a great simile, readers? Hehehehe.

Sirius dove towards it. He likes shiny things/Dumbledore.

Remus gets jealously aroused. He turns into a werewolf and eats Lily.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Review = love. **


	3. Twistin' da Plot

* * *

"Are we going to have fun this year?" asks Sirius.

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"Well, that makes twelve of us! Let's sing a High School Musical song to celebrate."

* * *

"Where's Lily gone?" asks Fyunhubb.

"I ate her," says Remus.

SCREAM.

"Don't worry. You'll see her tonight," he says while popping digestion pills.

Lily puts her left leg behind her head. She reasons intelligently: _Maybe this will help me think better._

James gets aroused.

You may be wondering why Lily needs to clear her head.

Lily must clear her head so that readers think a plot twist is in store.

Isn't this a clever ruse, readers? Hehehehe.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Thanks to our reviewers!**

**(Reviews = Love = Quicker updates)**


	4. Twin? Or poo

* * *

Lily was pooed out the next day. James pooed out his twin.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**NOW!**

James christened his poo/twin James.

James, the twin, is quite hot, in a dark mushy way.

Lily seems to think so, she did him this morning.

* * *

James found out and exclaimed surprisingly surprised in surprise that she was a scarlet woman.

She said "My hair is maroon not scarlet."

Ron heard that her hair was maroon because he had travelled back in time. He informed Lily that he hated maroon and she should die in a hole.

He had to dash –Hermione was waiting for him in the cage.

* * *

Fyunhubb is next in line for a go at James the twin.

Sirius concocted a shiny barrier so that she could not touch the piece of shit.

Literally.

Wasn't that a great metaphor, readers? Hehehehe.

And that's how Fyunhuhb and Sirius got together:

Fyunhuhb and Sirius spooned and gave birth to a spoon. Sirius got distracted by the shinyness and left Fyunhuhb.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Please review for the next update**

**xx  
**


	5. CUT OFF HIS PENIS

Lily organised a slumber party to cheer Fyunhubb up.

After all, one would be very sad if they gave birth to a spoon and their lover fell in love with the spoon and left the spoon-bearer all alone.

James couldn't bear the thought of Lily and her friends up in their room all alone, and so used his 'Marauder Tricks' to get up the staircase to the girls' dormitory.

He had to temporarily CUT OFF HIS PENIS.

"What are you doing here," Lily exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise. "Don't tell me you CUT OFF YOUR PENIS?"

James looked at her for a total of 38 seconds.

"I did not CUT OFF MY PENIS, Lily."

Lily looked at his crotch for a total of 38 seconds.

"Ok," she answered.

Inside she was surprisingly surprised in surprise.

Fyunhubb suddenly screamed. She was having contractions and gave birth for the second time in two days. Three bananas popped out of her uterus.

"YAY!!! BANANAS!" Lily exclaims, surprisingly surprised in surprise. "We were low on stock!!"

"Why do you need bananas at slumber parties?" James asked, surprisingly surprised in surprise.

The girls looked at him for a total of 38 seconds.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

**Fanfic content that annoys/amuses our reviewers will be incorporated into this story.**

**So. REVIEW... for the sexin' of Lily and James. **


	6. How to Work Bananas

* * *

"OH!!!" said James, surprisingly surprised in surprise. "Wouldn't you like to practise on the real thing?"

Lily looks at him for a total of 38 seconds. "OK. Can you ask Sirius to lock us in a broom cupboard, Fyunhubb?"

Fyunhubb bursts into tears at the thought of the FATHER of HER SPOON.

"I'm not talking to that son of a fork!"

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

* * *

**A/N_:_ Thanks to all the lovely reviewers! **

**The House quote was very much appreciated, boredomsolution.**

**And don't you worry, rockstorm. "Sad smirks" (?) are still to come.**

**Some of our beloved story alerters deserve mention, too:**

**boredomsolution**

**nynnerpls **

**some-77-kid**

**Although this author's note _may_ have overshadowed this chapter's word count, p****lease keep (or start) reviewing!**

**xoxo**

**p.s. this one's for you, renee.**

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	7. SPOON of the devil

_

* * *

_

_**Sirius Black: SPOON of the Devil**_ _(wasn't that a great pun, readers? Hehehe)_

_Why has Sirius Black been looking under his desk lately? _

_Why, isn't it obvious? _

_He' s clearly attached his spouse to his crotch! _

_No, not Fyunhubb Smith..._

_A spoon. __A shiny spoon. _

_"I find that it's a good place to keep Mrs Black. This way, I can polish two things at once!" Sirius exclaimed surprisingly surprised in surprise. _

_"Don't you guys do that anymore?"_

Rita Skeeter, Hogwarts correspondent. 

**TO BE CONTINUED…**

* * *

Renee. I'm expecting 100 this time...

Kidding. Don't kill me!

Review Review Review

xx


	8. Ylil Angry

* * *

Lily and James are together now. They share spit, food and fights.

Lily can get kinda angry.

"My uterus lining!" She exclaims surprisingly surprised in surprise.

"Ew. Lily! Can I call you Ylil? It's Lily backwards and the author wants a more creative name for you now. You are too normal. GOD! MERLIN! AGRIPPA! ALL CHOCOLATE FROG CARD NAMES!"

"Grrrrrrrrrr."

"Are you growling?" asks James intelligently, curiously, doubtfully, fitfully, happily, sadly, joyously, desperately and jokingly all at once.

"GRRRRRRRRRRR!"

"OW! My head! Why did you pour pumpkin juice, water, spotted dick (hehehe) and Severus Snape's semen on my head?"

**TO BE CONTINUED...**

**reviews = yay.**

**xx**


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